maybe you're what i need. what i want.
maybe it's the scent of your hair. your chapped lips. your long eyelashes.
maybe it's my soul crying out for its other.
maybe i see you as a new beginning; a new, new life.
maybe you're my hope. my opportunity. the change i've been waiting for, needing.
i want it to be perfect, you know?

a butterfly does not begin so beautiful. yet you grew into one before my eyes.

i feel so confident, so at peace, so ready. i've never felt okay in my own shoes like i do when i look into your eyes; when you smile at me so soft, with unparted lips and creased eyes.

WOW.

I guess the lesson learned is that change always happens; it's inevitable.
I've come to realize, however, that looking back into the past is not what life is about. life is about LOOKING FORWARD. even if i used to be happier, i used to be thinner, i used to have many friends, i used to have a simple life....blah blah blah....seems like a way to reassure myself and to provide comfort, it's really just living in the past and not in the moment.

2009:  year of looking forward.


there are a few things I want to happen this year, some that i'm willing to share, and some that are more private are shall become public in due time.
sneak peak:

• MA in Visual Culture Theory from NYU....possibly a move to NY on the horizon
• stopping all unnecessary habits
• finding once again what i used to acquire through yoga
• grow as an artist
• love
• love more
• LOVE even more

and some others...

happy 2009 to you and your best.

[i turn 23 in 4 days.]

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But, believe me, I've got ideas....they just aren't satisfying me. I haven't had that high in a long time...where I spend hours on the floor, making a mess on a canvas and oblivious to all things outside my box, only to emerge feeling completely exhausted, riding a creative high, and thrilled with life.

I NEED IT.

It'd be the gold in this drab of a life.

Don't get me wrong: I have a great job. I really connect with my students, though I'd like to consider them friends. I feel like I'm going through the stages of teaching, kinda like the stages of denial, only not.  1) scared to death   2) trying for the teacher:student responsibility/role through asserting control over the students  3) realization that teacher could probably learn more from the students than vice versa   4) develop personal relationships with the students and learn to call them "friends"   5) perfect balance of teacher/friend:student relationship, and relaxed curriculum and overall enjoyment of the random and fortunate experience.

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On a different note, I have in my head a screaming dialogue centering around that fact that I am so damn tired of being ridiculed and attacked for being a Christian. What is so wrong with BELIEVING in something? And stop using some lame and completely ignorant line of offense starting with, "why do Christians find it so important to talk to everyone about God and being a Christian?"  Let me put it this way:  when something in your life makes you incandescently satisfied, happy, and loved, you WANT to share it with others! Wouldn't it be rude if the person who invented Oreos decided to keep that recipe to himself and never share it with humanity? Think of all the childhood memories that would not involve the magic of Oreos! Similarly, when you fall in love with someone (as many Christians compare this emotion with the love of God, and no, I won't explain that), you want that person to know immediately and you want the rest of your life to always be with that person and for it to start ASAP. You don't hide that love from the whole world, unless you're Romeo and Juliet, which you're not. Christians find it so DAMN necessary to share their faith with others because to Christians, it's like having the most valuable, precious, and magical treasure that is so big, it is impossible to keep it to oneself for it is always overflowing and once you've got it, always spilling onto every aspect of life. If you hate hearing about it, then maybe you should do a little Christian reading and you won't find it so offensive anymore; or maybe you should just focus your negative emotions on yourself and figure out why you are so offended by people who believe in something.

Thank you. And sorry if I've offended you.
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