Life is full of opportunities.
Right...?

yeah.


How come when we reach for our dreams and really work to make them happen, suddenly our dreams seem illogical or more impossible to reach?

A friend told me that when we feel like nothing in the world is right, the problem is not the world. The problem is ourselves. And when we find there is nothing going our way or our paths are full of road blocks, that what is necessary is to step back and readjust. To find how we can fit into the world, not how the world can fit into us.

But the problem is that I know I'm supposed to be a light in the world that is dark. I'm supposed to be different than everyone else. People should look at me as an oddball or a small anomaly, if you will; that my life should be separate from the world and yet  also a part of it.

So the challenge comes in trying to find where I'm to go next in life. It's plain to see that my dreams are simple: to go to Graduate school, to get a job that is both satisfying and pays the bills, to get married and have a family, to travel and retire into a comfortable life. They're common dreams; many people's lives actually follow this very simple, uncreative way of life. The predicament is that I can't seem to follow an outline. I can't seem to make that dream a reality. Why is it such a common path in life yet so unclear to me how to follow it? Is it because what I said before- that I'm supposed to be a light in the world that is set apart? If that's true, then can I disregard my dreams? Do I count myself out of the typical?

That's not what I want.

And I know the difference between wanting and what is actually my purpose.

So what is actually my purpose. How do I make the two meet?
I've always believed that all things work for the good of those who love the Lord. If we try, if we knock, then the door will be opened and our path will be made straight. Would I be denied of my dreams? Would I be denied of the life I want to live?

Part of me knows the answer is no. Part of me knows that what you'll, as a Christian, say that what God has in store for me is so much bigger than my dreams.

My argument is that my dreams are so simple- my dreams are not wild. They don't require the acquisition of a quantity of money in a short amount of time to travel the world and do missionary work. They don't require an unbelievable job opportunity in the field of my interest.

(What they do require is for me to be something other than white, middle-class, and female.
Thank you American scholarship system and government aid.)

So although I hear those parts of me that answer about God, I'm still faced with indecision.

Why can't I just do what I want? Why do I have to answer to or respect tradition or the current economic situation or my ethnicity or people's expectations?

Why do I feel guilty and obligated?
Why do I feel like I know what I want, but am held back or rejected?

If life is for the taking, and we should live for the moment, why does that moment only last for so long before a new event or new emotion takes over...and then we're left with a longing or hole.

I know what I want. I just can't get it.
For many reasons.


I need you to tell me that you'll love me no matter what I do or where I go. I need to know that you forgo your expectations for my life. I need you to let go of your idea of what me being responsible is, and just let me live. And be proud of me.

I've always been responsible. I've always been rational.
But at this point in my life, the decisions that I might make could finally break me out of the mold of miss responsible and predictable.

And I need to know that's okay.
***

Sometimes I really miss living at home, being in high school, the friends that I used to have, the simplicity of things. I used to think I had so much to look forward to. I knew that when I graduated I would start the rest of my life. I'd go to college; I'd fall in love; I'd get an awesome job; I'd get married and have kids...
now that I'm past college and have started a career, I realize that being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be. There are parts that I, of course, thoroughly appreciate, like living on my own, not being at HBU anymore, not being a confused and hormonal teenager, having Mr. Jones in my life, and much more. Of course things in life get better as even bigger as we get older... and things are always not what we expect.
but now that I'm here, I realize that I don't have it any more together than I did back then. My problems and obstacles are just different.
I still ask the same questions:
who am I?
what do I want to do with myself?
what's important to me?
where am I headed?

And I question what I've done with myself up to this point. I question the people that I choose to spend my time with. Am I living life like I should? Am I living a life that I will be proud of when I am old? Am I too quick to judge, and too narrow minded to live a life unique to me?

Sometimes it's hard to see the point, you know?